The tragedies in and around Orlando, Florida have really taken their toll on my mental health this week. Part of my disability was awarded based on major clinical depression and major anxiety. Some things affect me deeply and cause me to sink into that deep, deep realm of depression that I hate experiencing.

I've been pretty depressed since I had my third surgery in a year, and I'm still having issues. Then the news started coming in this past weekend regarding the shootings of a popular YouTube star and American Idol contestant, 49 people people killed by a deranged man as well as 53 injured, and the final straw was the two year old little boy who was taken underwater at a resort near Disney by an alligator.

I had avoided Facebook for months. I had simply lost interest in it and pretty much everything else. I had dipped my toes back in the Facebook world within the last couple of weeks. After all the deaths in Florida, I realized why I had stayed away for over 6 months. I saw some of the nastiest comments, posts, and memes I have ever seen.

The kicker was this evening when someone posted, "Ban alligators..." Then I saw a response blaming the parents for the two year old's death. I have had three miscarriages and lost my first son at four days old sixteen years ago. His birthday is next week and his date of death is the following week.
I blamed myself and still do. I always wonder if just maybe I had listened to my gut instinct and taken him to the emergency room sooner maybe he would've made it. Why did I listen to the nurse who said, "You're just a nervous first time mom."? The questions that I pose to myself go on and on. I was told I was butt hurt and too easily offended because I was upset the parents were being blamed for the death of their precious son. You're damn right I'm easily offended and butt hurt.

Nobody will ever beat these parents up more than they will themselves. Their last image in their minds of their baby boy will be seeing him being dragged underwater by an alligator. The dad, who tried to save his baby, will never be able to forgive himself. The mom will always question if they should've waded in the water together as a family. His older sister, age 4, will remember that horrible vacation when her brother died in front of her eyes. The nightmares will last for years. So will the depression, anxiety, and sheer grief if they ever overcome it. I feel nothing but empathy for this family.

Nobody is a perfect parent. NOBODY! I am so tired of seeing people judge others. So very tired of it. I know in my heart this family didn't set out to see if an alligator would drag their baby underwater. It was a tragic accident. Please, when you see someone who has lost a child, remember their thoughts about their child will forever be in their minds and heart. Nothing you can say or do will be worse than what they are saying to themselves right now. Be compassionate. Be kind. I'm not a religious person, but pray that someday they find a tiny bit of peace after this tragedy. I never did.